Autumn Bleeds Innocence
by KaT aka Mistress Shinigami
Summary: 5xS; Written for the W.E. contest, also a New Year's fic! "If you don't treasure what you have, before you know it everything you care for may be swept away" ***my best one-shot! =)


By: Kat Leigh

A/N: This is from Wufei's point of view. A fic I was going to write for New Year's Eve, and decided to include the requirements for the contest. I actually included all five requirements by accident…-_-'

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. 

"Autumn Bleeds Innocence"

I don't know what I was thinking, and truly I can't even support the fact that I had been thinking rationally at the time. And yet, some things in this world are not meant to be understood, and I came to this conclusion as I tried...and utterly failed at finding a reason that excused me from agreeing to go with her. Her expression had been so hopeful and I found myself unable to tear away from her gaze, as I was apt to do. Maybe I had been searching for something that wasn't even there, or - gods, that had been there all along. 

The force that seemingly possessed me that day, whatever it was, compelled me to agree to her suggestion, and now here I am. For the past hour, I have been sitting stiffly on this plane seat, contemplating my sanity while Sally sat calmly beside me, looking out the window. She hadn't said much the entire flight, and yet it still warmed me that she had asked me to come along, when she had so many other friends at the Preventer's Corporation. In all honesty, I don't know why she chose me, but the thought elated me all the same. This high altitude must be messing with my head. 

The plane we were on was New York-bound. New York City, to be exact. Somehow, that damnable woman had convinced me to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve. It's funny, really, because I have never had the desire to listen to a bunch of loud and obnoxious bands and watch a lighted ball drop. Yet it wasn't the situation, but the person I would share it with that concerned me. And now I knew the high altitude was messing with my thoughts, and I made a silent vow, right there, that come what may, I would try and keep my head straight during the entire ordeal. 

Happy with my decision, I leaned back in my flight chair, ready for the long flight. 

"Look, Wufei!" Sally said from beside me, still gazing out the window. "We're here!"

Well so much for a long flight. I leaned over as little as I could, and yet I still couldn't see what she was trying to show me. I pressed farther, and studied the picture outside the window with little curiosity. I tried to exclaim that yes, the view from up here was lovely, but I found myself uninterested in the scene. I was concentrating too much on how close Sally and I were, and the fact that I could feel the warmth coming off her skin and it was driving me crazy, because it made me realize how much I liked being close to her. 

What's worse was that I could smell her, and she says she doesn't wear perfume, but - gods, if every woman smelled like that then there would be no need for perfume. Maybe it was coming from her hair, which she had taken out of the twists. She had worn it down, and it waved and curled slightly, and - oh great, now I'm getting poetic. 

  


Remembering the vow I had made, I pulled away quickly, buckling my seat belt as the annoying stewardess chided that we should "prepare for landing." But I could barely hear her words because I was too stunned by the fact that, even after I pulled away from her I could still feel the burn where our skin connected and I could still smell that strangely womanly scent that now seemed to hover everywhere like a cursed rain cloud. 

Thankful to be exiting the plane, I quickly fell into step slightly behind Sally, because, truthfully, I didn't have a clue as to where we were going. 

We made it out of the crowded airport quickly, because Sally had insisted that we take no luggage. This had worried me slightly, and when I tried to change her mind she had merely laughed and exclaimed, "Where's your sense of adventure, Wufei?" 

I didn't have an answer then, but now it seems I must have left it back at Preventer HQ...having a conference with my common sense!

As we stepped out of the airport, I understood just how cold it was. My breath came out in small little clouds, and a quick glance at my companion showed the same small puff. I understood now, why Sally had warned me to bring some warm clothes. Of course, I had dressed simply, wearing a pair of dark khaki pants and a long-sleeved green shirt. With her insistence I had also worn a black trench coat, and as I wrapped it tight around me I was glad I took her advice. 

Sally was dressed even warmer than I. She had worn a dark pair of jeans, and I tried not to notice how they hugged her curves without appearing scandalously tight. She had also worn a black trench coat, but around the collar of the coat she had thrown a deep red knit scarf. I had to admit that she looked lovely in red, despite the Preventer colors being a common army green. And of course, if we ever got separated in this huge crowd, I could always look for that bright scarf. 

And now, looking back on it, I understand why that scarf had held me captive for so long. It reminded me of my past, back in the year when I was married to Ron Meiran. 

There had been a field, or meadow, if you will. It was full of colorful and radiant flowers. It wasn't just the scenery that made it so beautiful. It was the emotions, the tranquility and the memories it seemed to practically bask in. I would enjoy sitting in the field, reading a book or studying some ancient script. I had been a scholar back then, with a total apathetic view of the war. Things easily change, it seems. 

Well while I was reading, my wife, Meiran, would practice her martial arts in the same field. She considered herself a warrior, and even claimed she was Nataku. I had told her she was being foolish, but nevertheless, she would continue fighting. 

  


But there was one day, I recall. It was autumn, and the leaves had turned into vibrant colors and were falling down leisurely. There was a small patch of trees by the meadow, and I remember watching Meiran put down her fighting stick she had used for a practice sword and walk happily to this patch of trees. As the reds and yellows and oranges fell from the treetops, my young wife would hop around and attempt to catch them all. Whenever a leaf would come perilously close to touching the ground, Meiran would sweep it up and resume chasing the leaves.

I remember thinking that - gods she was so young, and I didn't understand the arranged marriages and for once I was at a loss. For this little girl I felt compelled to protect, like I could save her innocence, despite the warrior she claimed to be. 

And I remember that day. Like it is burned in my memory, unspoiled by the war and the hurt and the pain. I remember the leaves falling and how Meiran was allowed to be a child, if for a moment, and somehow it just didn't seem fair but - God knows - nothing is fair in life, and in my mind, Meiran will always be that carefree child, with the heart of a warrior. 

Autumn leaves; Sally's scarf reminds me of those leaves that Meiran tried so hard to protect. Like she tried so hard to protect the damn meadow, and like I failed to protect her. 

People say that things happen for a reason, but it is to my belief that not all things are justifiable, and those such instances have no justice. Then what would that make justice? Having a solid purpose and honor in everything one did? For the life of me I can't figure it out. Why can't I understand the justice Nataku, Meiran, believed so adamantly in? Is this the same justice I claimed to fight for? 

Somewhere in the depths of my memories I hear Sally's voice, and when I look up I almost drown in those eyes of hers. When I first saw her, the blue irises she had reminded me of the ocean. Like the ocean, they were deep and mysterious and back then I could swear to it that I almost lost myself. Like the ocean they had a deadly undercurrent that could sweep anything into their depths. Or maybe it was just me. 

She is calling my name, standing expectantly beside a yellow taxi cab. I struggle to keep my composure as I slide into the backseat beside her. It's not a common occurrence, getting lost in my memories like that. But sometimes, when I am searching for answers there seems to be a limitless depth to my questioning. 

Perhaps that is why meditation appeals to me to such an extent. It offers a way to clear my mind from all the questions and doubts that plague me almost night and day. I am hard to please, and if I have a question, I always want to find an answer. When answers elude one, frustration presses hard from all sides. If there's one thing that angers me above all else, it is frustration. Perhaps frustration was what caused me to join up with Mariemeia and assist in her coup d'etat. 

I had one question that haunted me after the Eve Wars, causing me to lose sleep, and even meditation eluded me. I wanted - no, I needed to know if Treize's ideal of peace was true, and I needed to know if humanity could survive a threat to their peace.

  


This question, this driving inquiry is what compelled me to join up with Captain Broden[1], a man who shared ideals not unlike those of my own. However, he believed humanity progressed through war. At the time, his ideals seemed justifiable. He was also dubious of this so-called peace, and we joined up in order to search for Vulkanus. Ah, that seems like so long ago, and yet it is engraved in my memory. Vulkanus, an old Mobile Doll factory, ended up falling into the hands of a claimed pacifist group, along with the factory watch dog, Scorpio. In the end they were destroyed by my fellow Gundam pilots. They had accused us and attacked us for keeping Gundam in this time of peace. So Quatre proposed the idea that we send our Gundams to the sun, along with the Vulkanus satellite. 

But...I couldn't do it. I never got my answer, the answer I had hoped to find when joining Broden's group. I needed to know if peace would preserve...I _had _to know. That's why I joined Mariemeia's rebellion. I became evil to discover the true meaning of peace.

_I _became the threat to humanity. 

Yet, in the end, the people rose for peace, and I was able to quit fighting, and was also able to destroy Nataku. 

I can feel Sally's gaze on me, and it doesn't bother me like it used to. In a bout of amiability, I turned and met her gaze with a challenging stare of my own. Her expression, which had been confusion before, now became a warm smile as she grew amused at my expression. I realized that I must not have been very good company, keeping to myself the whole time. For some reason I wanted to be good company. Perhaps so she could be happy. 

"Have you ever been to Times Square before?" I inquire, and it seems strange because my voice sounds very out of place. Perhaps it would have been better to stay silent after all, as I was apt to do. 

"Truthfully," she said with a small smile, "no I haven't."

I found myself smiling in return. It must be a strange trait of that woman's, to be able to control my emotions so easily. When she was happy, I found myself happy. Maybe it's something that all women can do...or perhaps it's just Sally.                   

"And I've been relying on you to lead us?" I asked in mock horror. Sally had pointed out a strange trait of mine I had sorely overlooked before. My extremely dry sense of humor. 

"You must be getting slow in your old age," she replied with another smile, tweaking my ponytail almost affectionately. Or maybe it was without affection at all, and it was merely wishful thinking on my part. 

I huffed with false indignation, but some of it wasn't an act. Old habits died hard, I suppose.

"I am nineteen," I defended. "I'll be turning twenty in a couple of months." 

  


"Ah, I know you're not old," she said, turning to look out the window. This disturbed me somewhat, because then I was unable to see her face. For some reason, it appeared when she hid her face she was trying to hide her emotions. Or maybe I am just being paranoid and overbearing, and yet...

"I guess you're right," she conceded, still staring out the window. "After all, if you were old what would I be? Ancient?" I could see the small fog her breath made on the window. The warmth her breath brought back the memory of how warm her skin was on the plane.

I knew in her last comment that she was somehow degrading herself. She had been doing that quite a bit lately, and it puzzled me, because it struck me as oddly out of character. I didn't like it...at all.

"Why do you degrade yourself, Sally?" I asked her, my voice becoming sharper than I intended it to. She turned to me, surprise evident on her face. Her eyes were wide, and her jaw hung slack, although her mouth was still closed. Maybe it was the fact that I had been so honestly blunt with her. 

"I guess," she said contemplatively, looking at the floor of the cab, "that everyone's confidence wavers at some point..."

I didn't get a chance to reply, because the cab had just arrived outside Times Square. The cab driver informed us he couldn't get any closer, because the traffic was too heavy. I really wasn't in the mood to walk in the cold, but I knew complaining would get me no where, so I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the icy New York air. I looked beside me and saw Sally had also climbed out of the cab. I also realized, with some chagrin that she had already paid the taxi driver. I tried to scowl, but failed when I saw her expression. 

She was gazing at the crowd, and the huge lighted ball in the distance. She looked so happy, and not a little bit hopeful, and I tugged on her arm lightly to get her moving. Had I mentioned I don't like standing in the cold?

I walked behind her helplessly as she wove in and around the crowd of people. It seems like she was searching for a spot to stand throughout the ordeal, and I was obligated to follow behind aimlessly. We neared an empty space underneath a tree, and for some reason, I was again reminded of Meiran. 

"Stay here, I'll be right back," Sally told me, and she had to get close to my ear in order to be heard above the crowd without shouting. Her breath brought warmth to my numb cheeks, and I barely had time to react before she was gone, sifting through the crowd on her own.

"Sally!" I called, but to no avail. I searched the crowd with my eyes for a flash of blonde hair, or a glimpse of that red scarf, but my search came up empty. I contemplated going after her, but realized that would be most foolish. Waiting for her (in the cold) was really the only option I had. The fact that I was worried about her was quite beyond my control. Really, I had no control.

  


Being alone gave me a chance to survey my surroundings. The tree she had stopped underneath was a large oak, which would never get the chance to grow and flourish, since it resided in a small patch of grass along the pavement. Its leafless branches stretched out like fingers, cold and bare. The tree could never grow to its full potential, much like Meiran never could. She will always be just a girl in my mind, without a chance of ever growing up...trapped in her endless field of flowers and leaves. 

Something warm was shoved into my hands, and I look down to see a steaming styrofoam cup. Sally has returned and is standing in front of me, her hands cupped around a similar beverage. She is smiling at me once again, and she takes a sip of her drink, her eyes still locked onto mine over the cup.

"It's hot chocolate," she explains, bringing the cup close to her face, where the steam mingled with the steam of her breath.

I took a drink of the hot chocolate she had handed me, and immediately decided that this stuff wasn't too bad. I normally had tea when a hot beverage was desired, and I must say that green is my favourite over pekoe. But, if just for tonight, I indulge the woman in front of me by sipping my hot chocolate happily. Really, the stuff's not half bad.

I look over Sally's head as I hear some music start up. I can easily do that now, seeing as I have grown...most likely to my full potential. I used to always hold Sally on a pedestal, it seems, and I admired her strength and will and, I admit, I used to try and be strong like she was, and like she claimed I was. And yet, now that I am taller than she is, it makes me realize that she's human, with weaknesses and fears and trials. I really am quite foolish. 

I hear her exclaim how great this band is, and I end up agreeing that, yes, this music truly is wonderful. Of course, looking back on it I can't remember what music played that night. It may have been rock, pop or even country, and I couldn't have told you different. Those moments went by in a blur, and all I remember is how happy Sally had been.

The cold had put a slight flush to her cheeks, which was set off by the none too subtle red scarf thrown about her neck. Her lips seemed parted in an immovable smile, and the way her eyes shone like she was truly happy. Almost as if the war had never happened, and she hadn't been a murderer or watched her comrades die, and I was struck by how innocent she looked. But - gods, Meiran had been so full of innocence too, on that day, and I couldn't help but realize how easily her innocence was stripped away, and how she died lying in my arms, and I had been so close - and yet I couldn't save her. I had a sudden urge to protect this woman beside me, like I had failed to protect Meiran, and like she had failed to protect the field and how _damn _close she was to protecting those leaves. 

The lighted ball was moving lower now. It was getting closer and closer to the 200. I was struck by the realization that we would be entering a new century. A weight I hadn't noticed was lifted from my chest and shoulders. The Eve Wars was behind me, my colony's self-destruction was behind me and - gods, but I hadn't realized it: Meiran's death would soon be behind me. 

  


I looked up at the clock. It was 11:59:00. 

The crowd was getting louder and louder as the New Year was approaching. People were laughing, singing, catcalling, and a few were even crying. I was suddenly fearful of letting it go, letting my past go and embracing the New Year. Sally turned her brilliant blue eyes on me, almost sensing my tension, I think. Or maybe she just has uncanny timing. 

"What's your New Year's resolution?" she asked curiously. Or, at least, I think she was curious, with the way her head was tilted slightly, her hair falling in waves down one shoulder. The wind had ruffled it somewhat, and it had also brought a pink tinge to her face. I was struck by how oddly beautiful she looked right then, and I swore for a moment I was seeing her inner beauty. 

"I haven't decided," I answered truthfully, although now the question seemed terribly important. Resolution?

11:59:20

It struck me hard as I realized that Meiran was gone, forever that carefree girl in my heart, and I realized I had been holding on, and for no reason I could conjugate. My New Year's resolution...what do I want to do?

11:59:30

Why had I been holding on? Was I afraid? Me, the great Chang Wufei, was afraid of letting go of my wife's death. Embracing the future...was it really so hard?

11:59:40

I think it was right about now that I lost control of all rational thought. I was longing for answers that always eluded me and I couldn't understand why I couldn't understand. Should the past remain in the past?

I could still taste the hot chocolate on my lips, and I could still feel where Sally's skin and mine had connected on the plane. My mind was a whirl of leaves and flowers and that smell that clung to Sally that even now invaded my senses.

11:59:55

Life's too short to live in the past.

11:59:57

If you don't treasure what you have, before you know it everything you care for may be swept away. Life's too short for that....

  


11:59:59

God help me...

12:00:00

I _want_ to live.

I heard a large chorus of "Happy New Year!" I turned to Sally and I saw her face shining with the light from the huge illuminated "200." I let go of the leaves and of my colony and flowers and Nataku...and before she could get away I grabbed Sally by the shoulders and pressed my lips to hers. 

My mind was a whirl and I didn't know what to expect as we broke apart.

"Happy New Year, Wufei." And she smiled.

The End

[1] - This is from Battlefield of Pacifists, a Gundam Wing manga book. 

A/N: Okies, please read this: I realize that some of these sentences may seem like run-ons. I made elongated sentences because I thought it brought more emotion into the writing. 


End file.
